Week 6 — Asshole 1

Each week on this blog I will release a new thing, a creation such as music, poems, photography, etc. This week I release the second half of a song called “See You Again,” of which I had released the first half of in this post here. I have also changed the chorus lyrics slightly from the first draft.

Lyrics for song below, after blog post.

Me through their eyes. Photograph by Asshole 1.

The other day I saw a post on facebook that said “if you lose a lot of friends left and right, then you need to wake up and realise that the problem is you.”

My first response to this was to agree with what my friend had posted because I have been on the receiving end of this sort of fallout before. I actually wondered if the person that this friend was referring to was the mutual friend who had previously hurt me. It gave me a sense of satisfaction to think that someone else saw the faults in them that I now see as my eyes have been opened. It made me feel less alone temporarily to see this post.

When I think back on the people who dramatically exited my life like I was a walking plague of locusts amidst their thriving lush gardens, I realise that they did give me signs. There were red flags that I ignored and I can almost remember every single moment that I turned a blind eye to their comments that said “I have lost so many friends in the past” or “I always get people obsessed with me and I don’t know why.” Today I can look back at it and think to myself “well, it’s probably because you let them believe you were close to them and that you cared about them. You obviously did this because you have the pattern. And because you hurt me too.”

While this might be true to some extent, I can’t help but realise that by allowing these red flags to go unchecked, that I am now the person who has “lost so many friends in the past.” It is me too who is the problem, according to my friend’s facebook post. If we define the problem as being: the one without friends suddenly/friends leaving them left and right = the one to blame.

Three years ago I lost four relationships within the span of one year and to this day I don’t understand how they each happened or how the relationship got to the point of breaking. Note that these were long term friendships, not Tinder dates. They were friendships that spanned years — all ending suddenly with a bang and in an unrelated way. So, while it could be easy to consider the concept that I am now the problem if they were new or fickle friendships, but these were all people who carried me through the lowest point in my life. They were people that I let peer into my darkest moments and who remained unafraid.

The strange thing is that while they used to sit in the darkness with me they never showed signs of disgust, fear or unhappiness towards me. They gave me the support I needed and were there for me. It wasn’t until after my healing began that I lost all of them. A correlation between drama and their presence in my life could be made and is being made as they’ve left me with no answers and no resolution. I fill in the blanks myself now.

I suppose that is why I am writing this blog, because I have no answers. I have been left with a lot of grief and no one who was there at the time to discuss it with. I’m writing to heal the claw marks that they’ve left in my back and to define my own future without their abusive tactics. Easier said than done, if anyone is familiar with how difficult healing from abuse can be.

They did not leave together. They left one by one of their own volition after I began taking care of myself again. They are separate individuals with separate harming stories. Each of their stories will appear slowly in my blogs as I heal, but I will always work to hide their identities. This will cause some confusion in my writings to be able to differentiate between asshole 1, asshole 2, etc. It doesn’t matter though. All that matters is that I’m finally getting this out.

Lyrics

You washed my heart in dirty water since the start.

Everything I’ve done was meant to help you baby.

Protect you all the same as me.

Go away.

Go mean.

Your fires went unseen.

And I never thought I’d see you again.

You’ve taken off your mask. It’s hard to pretend.

Broken promises are easier to mend.

And I never thought I’d see you again.

All music, lyrics, art, photography, drawings and blog content written by Nicole Andrews unless otherwise specified. Please see her website to listen to or buy her studio produced songs: https://www.nicoleandrewsmusic.com/