Week 4 — See You Again
--
Each week on this blog I will release a new thing, a creation such as music, poems, photography, etc. This week I release a song called “See You Again,” which I created before this week’s events took place, described in the blog post below.
I always find it funny when Mercury Retrograde comes back around and it delivers what is promised: someone from my past returns out of the blue. It’s almost an expectation that this will happen at this point, as it keeps happening for me at every Mercury Retrograde without fail.
Sadly it’s always just the secondary characters in my life that come back, the ones I don’t need to see again. It’s never the ones whose return would heal my heart or provide some resolution to the struggles I still face daily. In other words, it’s never the one person I want to come back… The one who went from Jekyll to Hyde without warning… The one who threw me under the bus to save his own ass… The one who asked me to hold out my arms and then piled on their guilt and shame as I struggled under the weight they left me with.
Even if they did come back, I know that our friendship will never be the same as they have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. What I need from their return is for them to explain to me that they are not the monster that they appear to be. I want to know that I am not so broken that I could not see a sociopath as I held it in my arms, unaware of the chunks it was taking from my heart. I want them to say “I lied to protect myself and you know that our friendship was valuable to me. I’m sorry I made you think you were crazy. I hope you can understand.”
Except this will not happen. They will never come back to redeem themselves and I know this to be true because I know I am not the first person they have done this to. I got close enough to hear these stories about the others, but never did I think it could then happen to me. The truth is that they are a broken person bringing people down with them in their wake and I am just a casualty of their ongoing plague.
Since I had been threatened by this person — I do as they say — I stay away. I avoid events, buildings, people. I lie about what happened so that they can continue to feel safe, which continues to damage me. They continue to live without facing consequences… I stay out of their lives because they have made me scared.
Then suddenly, we enter a new Mercury Retrograde. I find myself being invited to a music performance by a coworker, and I know without a doubt in my mind that this one person will be at this event. So a decision is made. I am sick of running. I am sick of hiding. I am sick of reinforcing their false dialogue about who I am and what we were. I was a friend and they were bad to me.
I attend the event despite them. I am accompanied by many friends and coworkers, some of them know the story and some of them don’t. I stand tall as he looks back at me, I can tell he’s trying to work out if it’s me — It’s me bitch… I am no longer afraid of you. You no longer determine where I can go and what I can do. You are not in control any longer and I am no longer scared. You are the one who should be scared because I don’t lie for you anymore.
Lyrics
You held my hand in a fire and ran.
Caressed your face.
You’re witness to this shame.
Pretending all the same as me.
Go away. Go mean.
Your fires went unseen.
And I never want to see you again.
You’ve taken off your mask, it’s hard to pretend.
Broken promises are easier to mend.
And I never want to see you again.
All music, lyrics, art, photography, drawings and blog content written by Nicole Andrews unless otherwise specified. Please see her website to listen to or buy her studio produced songs: https://www.nicoleandrewsmusic.com/
